


Lose your head

by Mossh



Category: The Wilds (TV 2020)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Coming Out, Developing Relationship, F/F, Lesbian Character
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-23
Updated: 2021-02-25
Packaged: 2021-03-13 21:47:30
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,710
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29657781
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mossh/pseuds/Mossh
Summary: “Be nice I said, how hard is that? What part of be nice did you not understand Toni?” Disappointment laced Martha's voice.“I was nice!” Toni replied incredulously finally looking up from the floor, “In fact, I couldn’t have been nicer! I - ”“Toni!” Martha snapped, “I said be nice to her not sleep with her!”Toni had to bite her lip to stop herself from smiling.
Relationships: Fatin Jadmani & Leah Rilke, Shelby Goodkind & Toni Shalifoe
Comments: 11
Kudos: 74





	1. Chapter 1

“Are you – you have got to be fucking kidding me,” Martha started, pretty much lost for words, shooting the brunette a salty look which went completely unnoticed as Toni was looking absolutely anywhere except towards Martha. “Toni! I literally – I asked you to do one thing,” Martha continued, too stunned to be able to string full sentences together, dropping her head to the table resting it against the cool metal, “One thing -” she finished, totally exasperated. 

“Yeah, and I did it,” Toni replied coolly, hoping that if she played the situation down and acted chill Martha might follow her vibe. 

Unfortunately for Toni, she was way out of her depth and Martha was not going to drop it that easily. Toni continued to avert her gaze, thrusting her hands into her pockets looking pointedly towards the ground, scuffing the dry dirt with her foot hoping that if she stayed quiet for long enough, the topic of conversation might change.

Martha rolled her head to the left not lifting it from the table and directed her gaze towards Toni. She opened her mouth to speak, but closed it again realising there was nothing left to say. Martha pulled herself up off from the bench, took to her feet and simply shook her head in Toni’s direction. 

“That was the last time I ever trust you to do anything,” she said flatly, picking the books up off the table refusing to look at Toni any longer. She now wished she had thrown them at Toni, but as the moment had long passed, all she could do was angrily throw them into her bag, hoping that Toni would finally start sensing the seriousness of the situation.

Although there was nothing really left to say, Martha was struggling to drop it. This was Toni through and through, a good thing finally happens for Martha, something that didn’t involve Toni, and yet somehow Toni always managed to make herself relevant and bulldoze her way through leaving a path of destruction on her wake.

“Be nice I said, how hard is that? What part of be nice did you not understand Toni?” Disappointment laced her voice.

“I was nice!” Toni replied incredulously finally looking up from the floor, “In fact, I couldn’t have been nicer! I - ”

“Toni!” Martha snapped, “I said be nice to her not sleep with her!”

Toni had to bite her lip to stop herself from smiling. “What if we try to look at the fu - ”

“Don’t you dare – nope, don’t even try and tell me that ‘this is sort of funny’,” Martha quipped back pointing her finger towards the other girl. She stood up and threw her bag across her shoulder shooting daggers at Toni, who was once again looking at the floor.

“Look, I don’t see the…” Toni started, choosing her words carefully. “I was nice and welcoming and all of those other things you said,” she finished, shifting her weight from foot to foot finally understanding the severity of the situation. She looked towards Martha although barely lifting her head up and she could see the hurt flashing across Martha’s eyes – it crushed Toni. “Look, Marty, I really tried, I -” She paused briefly before finishing with, “I’m sorry?” she tried knowing deep down that part of her wasn’t sorry at all. 

But Martha cut across her abruptly before Toni could even begin to think about finishing her sentence.

“For fuck sake Toni, you just don’t get it do you. I finally had a friend that wasn’t you. Someone who shared classes with me and shared my interests. It was someone new I could hang out with, without having to wait for your three-hour basketball practise to finish,” Martha paused unsure where she was going with this. She knew it would hurt Toni to hear, but she was sick of having her life ruled by her overprotective and occasionally aggressive best friend. “Toni, you’re my best friend and have been since we were seven, and nothing will ever change that, but I need to have a life outside of you and you do outside of me.”

Toni knew she had a point.

“I know that, I do. I’m honestly happy you have found a new friend, really, I am,” Toni pleaded.

“Not happy enough to keep it in your pants though,” Martha snapped.

Toni had finally looked up and was holding Martha’s gaze. She knew she was right and she knew she had messed up, but there was something not quite sitting right with the situation. Martha seemed to be blaming everything on Toni as if she had intentionally tried to mess around with her new found friendship. She was genuinely really happy that Martha had found someone else to talk to and to hang out with, even if it was just through the luck of being paired together for an English Lit project.

“Yes I fucked up,” Toni stated, “But you need to hear me out because…”

But Toni was cut across again by Martha shouting, “I don’t want your excuses anymore Toni. I had a good thing and you’ve ruined it, and to top it off, I’ll probably fail my class because I’ll be doing the entire project on my own.”

“Martha, I’m sorry. But it’s not how it sounds I swear to you! Please just -” 

“I said be nice to her, not fucking seduce her!” Martha shouted through gritted teeth throwing her hands up in the air before turning her back to Toni and heading off in the direction of the library. 

“Woah hang on! Seduce is a strong word and anyway…” but her words were lost in the gentle fall breeze as Martha was already halfway across the field leaving Toni stood under the large oak tree.

As Martha’s words gradually sank in, a crimson wave slowly started to creep up Toni’s face. She was pleased Martha was too far away to see, as that would only exacerbate the situation even more. Toni was unsure how exactly she would describe the night before. She certainly knew that ‘seduce’ was a strong word for what had happened. Toni knew that deep down it wasn’t entirely her fault, in fact, it wasn’t her fault at all. She didn’t initiate anything. Yes, she will admit, she didn’t try to stop anything knowing the potential repercussions of the situation, but she had no regrets either. 

Toni began to drag her feet across the field and trapsed towards the direction of the library knowing that the next hour of silent study was going to be anything but quiet and peaceful. She just needed to somehow try and get through to Martha that, as unlikely as it seems, what happened wasn’t actually her fault. For once. 

Toni sighed deeply before hoisting her rucksack higher up her back and tugging on the metal handle of the library door. As she entered the building, she quickly scanned the lower level, upon realising Martha was nowhere in sight, she headed straight for the stairs knowing that Martha must have hidden herself amongst the classics on the fourth floor. 

Holding onto the handrail Toni took the final step into the classics section. Straight away she could see Martha half way across the floor who was glaring at her, although secretly pleased Toni had followed, hoping that she had calmed down enough to finally get an explanation. 

“How are you on the team?” Martha joked as Toni flung herself onto the chair next to her, completely out of breath.

“I actually have no idea,” Toni laughed back before opening her bag and grabbing the half empty bottle of water from the bottom and swigging it quickly. “Maybe I’m just eye candy,” she winked at Martha, who snorted in response. 

“Come on then?” Martha asked, finally pulling herself round to the idea that maybe Toni wasn’t entirely to blame for the situation. “You have two minutes of my undivided attention, so make it good.”

Toni gulped suddenly noticing the glint of amusement in Martha’s eyes. In that moment, Toni immediately knew that she was off to a losing start and that trying to explain to Martha that it was her new, incredibly conservative, blonde-bible-bashing-Texan friend that had actually made the first move, was going to be a difficult feat.

“From the beginning?” Martha chimed, leaning back into her chair and crossing her legs, thoroughly enjoying making Toni Squirm. If she had to hear the other girl out, she most certainly wanted to make it as interesting as possible. Toni came across to everyone at college as boisterous and unphased by anything, but if anyone actually took the time to get to know her, especially the way Martha had, asking her to kiss and tell was uncomfortable territory to say the least. 

Toni braced herself and took a deep breath. “In my defence,” she started, looking Martha square in the eyes, “it wasn’t my fault.”

“You’ve lost fifteen seconds. Try again,” Martha smiled, her tone much lighter than it had been when Toni first told her that she had woken up in bed next to her best friends new project partner.

“I swear!” Toni replied, “I swear to you. Martha, please, you know me, why would I lie about this? Yes, I kissed her and…”

“You kissed her?” Martha mocked, knowing that she was really starting to wind Toni up, “but you just said it wasn’t your fault.”

“No. I mean yes, I mean… ughhh,” Toni threw herself sideways and balled herself up into the foetal position. Martha chuckled to herself. “It’s not funny.” Toni lightly punched her sitting back up again, “She kissed me.”

Martha eyed Toni wryly. “She has a name.”

Toni ignored her, not wanting to make it any more real than it already was, so she just pretended she hadn’t heard and continued, “… and yes, I didn’t stop it, but I did not N-O-T not initiate it. It was…” Toni paused; she actually hadn’t yet tried to comprehend what had happened last night. It suddenly felt so long ago and yet only two hours prior she had woken up in an unknown bed with her limbs tangled around Martha’s new friend.

“Shelby.”

Toni jumped and was torn from her thoughts. Her eyes darted around the library looking for a flash of blonde, but when she didn’t notice anything different to five minutes before, she turned her gaze back to Martha who was now full on laughing at Toni’s reaction.

“Dick biscuit,” Toni mumbled a magenta flush raging through her cheeks.

Martha stifled her laugh as a girl sat opposite them looked up from her book and whispered “Shhh!” 

“I meant her name is Shelby,” Martha explained quietly, “I didn’t mean she was here this minute.”

“Well thank fuck for that,” Toni replied sinking back into her seat feeling her heartrate return to a normal again. 

She doesn’t even know why she suddenly felt so bothered if Shelby had been there, it wasn’t as if they were new to each other. Martha had been taking English Lit with her for two months now and had been paired with her for this project for the last two weeks, which meant their paths had crossed even more regularly than before. At the beginning of term Shelby didn’t even speak to Toni, she merely stood silently a few metres away from the large oak tree Martha and Toni always studied under. Every day went the same, Martha would punch Toni’s leg and she would look up and say, “hey,” although the blonde never replied and just simply curled the corners of her lips to signal she had heard the brunette.

This went on for a few weeks until Martha finally convinced Shelby that Toni’s reputation was perceived to be a lot worse than what it actually was. Yes, she did piss in a hat and throw it at someone that one time, but everything else Shelby had heard was just unfounded rumours and elaborate made up stories. Martha explained to Shelby that she always pleaded with Toni to stand up for herself whenever anyone called her out in the corridor or in class, but every time she shrugged it off and said, “they can believe what they want, I know the truth.” She admired Toni’s resilience because once upon a time she had no self-control and was endlessly destructive towards pretty much everyone and everything. 

The first time Shelby spoke to Toni, she was genuinely shocked to hear a southern Texan drawl. She didn’t know why but she had just assumed she was local and that their paths just simply hadn’t crossed before. However, by the time Shelby’s words had actually penetrated her brain it was too late for Toni to reply as the blonde was already walking back across the field, her arm linked with Martha’s. Although they were pretty familiar with each other, they had never actually been alone before or spoken to each other without the presence of Martha until last night.

Martha cleared her throat bringing Toni back to reality. “You now have minus three minutes,” she laughed, “What land did you drift off to?”

Toni laughed too. “It’s just weird, besides seeing her at the oak tree everyday when you guys go off and study, I haven’t ever spoken to her, well, until last night anyway.” She looked at Martha who was glaring again. “Sorry, not her,” she corrected herself, “Shelby.”

“She mentions you sometimes in class,” Martha says bringing a pencil to her mouth and chewing the end of it. “Nothing bad before you worry, she just asks stuff. I guess you don’t give much away when you talk, actually, thinking about it, you’re always pretty quiet when Shelby is around.”

“That’s because you kick me under the table or punch my arm every time I try to speak,” Toni interjected.

“Precautionary,” Martha laughed, “Force of habit too.”

“Look, she is your friend, I’m not gonna be a dick to her, so don’t worry about that.” Toni thought for a second, “and anyway, she seems pretty cool from the little I know about her and from…” she trailed off, finishing the sentence in her head – from last night.

Martha’s entire mood shifted and suddenly she pleaded, “Come on! The suspense is killing me, tell me what happened! If I haven’t got a project partner any more, I at least deserve to know why.”

She had a point and Toni really hoped for Martha’s sake that Shelby didn’t just ditch her and let her blindly scramble through the project on her own.

Toni wracked her brains trying to remember the series of events. “Um, well, you dropped me off at Leah’s and gave me the ‘be-nice-to-Shelby-if-I-see-her’ speech as always and…”

“No, incorrect, wrong,” Martha interrupted holding up her hand, “That is a universal speech and applies to everyone at all times, especially when you’ve had a drink.”

Toni rolled her eyes. “Okay, okay. You said be nice and that was that. It was exactly the same as the weekend before, same people, same music, same drinking games. The only difference was that you weren’t there to keep me out of trouble,” Toni teased.

“Well excuse me for having to revise for my exam this morning, which went really well by the way, thanks for asking.”

Toni grimaced; her memory was terrible. “Sorry,” she mumbled.

“Whatever Shalifoe, carry on.”

“That’s it really. I didn’t see Shelby at all. I knew she was there because you said she was going, but I didn’t see her until I stumbled half drunk into Leah’s bedroom thinking it was the bathroom. She was stood staring out the window fiddling with the cross necklace. I tried to sneak back out as I didn’t want to disturb her, but it was too late, she had heard me and turned around.”

Martha eyed Toni carefully trying to work out what the girl was going to say next. “Okaaaaay, that all checks out so far, but I’m confused as to how ‘be nice’ ended up as ‘bedding her’?” Martha asked.

Toni could feel her cheeks glowing, so she made the floor her eyeline hoping that Martha wouldn’t notice. “I didn’t bed her Marty, we just – I don’t know, we talked and then she kissed me and then we fell asleep. It was pretty late,” Toni shrugged, “I woke up and she was gone, and then I literally ran all the way here to tell you, for you to judge me and tell me I seduced her,” Toni finished, glaring.

“It wouldn’t be unheard of,” Martha joked, nudging into Toni trying to get her to smile. She could tell Toni was being genuine and telling the truth. Her brows were furrowed and she refused to look up from the floor, which Martha knew for sure meant she was embarrassed to be having this conversation. “Look, I believe you. I just haven’t seen Shelby this morning which is unusual and when you said what you did, I just put 2+2 together and made…”

“Twenty-two,” Toni laughed interrupting Martha.

This time it was Martha’s turn to blush, “yeah,” she replied, “I just hope she is okay. I know her family are pretty conservative and it doesn’t sound like something she goes round doing on the regular. What did you guys talk about, before, you know…”

“We kissed Martha, you can say it, we aren’t twelve.”

“You couldn’t even say Shelby’s name before without nearly getting whiplash from worrying she might be stood behind you!”

Toni shoved her middle finger in Martha’s face scowling. 

“All I’m saying is, I haven’t seen her today and that isn’t like Shelby,” Martha checked her watch, “and usually she is already here to meet me for class in ten minutes,” she looked over her shoulder, “we are meant to be doing a run through of our project today, we have to deliver the speech for it next week.”

“I’m sorry,” Toni replied, “I fucked up, I should have stopped it and I didn’t and know it’s a mess. You have no project partner and you’re stuck with me for all eternity, because every time you get a new friend, I somehow find a way to fuck it up.”

Martha laughed as she stood up swinging her bag back over her shoulders. “Look, you haven’t fucked up, but I do think you need to find her and speak to her. This could be a really big thing for her, and it’s better to come from you than to come from me.”

“No. I don’t do feelings or emotions or anything related to that so - ”

“Well, whatever you guys talked about last night made her feel something. And anyway, she kissed you, there was a reason for it, are you not even curious as to why she did it?” Martha asked holding her hand out for Toni, pulling the other girl up from her chair.

“I guess. But can’t you speak to her, you’re so much better at these things than me,” Toni pleaded, following Martha back down the four flights of stairs.

“No, because then she will think you’ve kissed and told and that might freak her out a bit you know? Think back to when you first kissed a girl, did you want Regan telling everyone after it happened?”  
The silence answered Marth’s question for her. “Exactly, this needs to come from you.”

Toni wasn’t listening anymore, she was too caught up in something Martha had just said, “what do you mean, when I first kissed a girl - what does that have to do with…” but mid-sentence it hit Toni like a tonne of bricks, “how the fuck do you know she hasn’t kissed a girl before?”

Martha ignored Toni and pushed through the library door into the bustling corridor. “Martha,” Toni shouted trying to get her attention. “Martha!” she tried again, “How do you know that?”

Martha turned around so sharply that Toni walked straight into her almost knocking her over. “It’s not my place to say okay? Just please, tell me you’ll talk to her? I think you owe her that.”

“Owe her?” Toni snapped, “She kissed me remember!” 

Martha rolled her eyes, “It takes two to tango Toni. You could have stopped it and you didn’t, so either you’ve got feelings for her or you wanted to get your leg over, either way, Shelby deserves to know which it was, regardless of anything else, okay?” Martha retorted before storming off along the corridor quickly getting swallowed up amongst the throng of students. 

Toni was left standing open mouthed in the corridor being nudged and shoved as students poured past her hurrying to class. She knew Martha was right, and while she hadn’t gone into specifics, Toni knew that this was Shelby’s first kiss with a girl, and despite having no idea why, something in Toni’s head screamed that this would be a big deal to her. 

The bell rang and brought her back to her senses. Toni sprinted off down the corridor in the opposite direction to Martha, knowing that she had less than thirty seconds to get to the locker room before getting bollocked by her coach. How she made it in time she had no idea, but as she pulled her kit on something Martha had said flitted through her head. Toni knew she hadn’t wanted to stop the kiss with Shelby, but she also knew it had nothing to do with wanting to get her leg over either. In fact, Toni had no idea what she wanted at all or what she had expected to happen afterwards. It was all such a mess. As Toni jogged onto the court only one thought filled her mind. If Shelby went to kiss her again, she certainly wouldn’t stop her.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Be nice I said, how hard is that? What part of be nice did you not understand Toni?” Disappointment laced Martha's voice.
> 
> “I was nice!” Toni replied incredulously finally looking up from the floor, “In fact, I couldn’t have been nicer! I - ”
> 
> “Toni!” Martha snapped, “I said be nice to her not sleep with her!”
> 
> Toni had to bite her lip to stop herself from smiling.

“Hey, what happened to you last night?” Rachel asked as she jogged up besides Toni midway through their fifty laps of the court. “Last I saw of you was trying to help Fatin get her drunk ass sober. You just disappeared.”

Toni swallowed a large gulp of air slowing her pace slightly, knowing that if she carried on the way she was going she would burn out before lap thirty.

“You’ll laugh if I tell you,” Toni replied without turning.

Rachel snorted, “Jesus Toni, what did you do?” she asked, genuinely intrigued.

Toni sighed and slowed her pace to a standstill noticing her shoe lace was undone. She knelt down using it as an excuse to not make eye contact with Rachel. “I tapped out and crashed in the guest bedroom a measly four pints in,” she explained, keeping her gaze on the lace she was tying.

Rachel had stopped next to her, threw her head back and laughed loudly. She slapped Toni on the back, “Sorry, I must have misheard - ” the girl began, “four pints Toni? Are you for real, that’s usually a warm-up for you?”

Toni stood back up, playfully punched Rachel in the arm and set off at a gentle pace once more. She didn’t want to admit to not really wanting to be there without Martha last night, so just settled for a half truth. “Just been a long ass week. And anyway, I wasn’t out of it the _whole_ time, give me some credit! I was talking to Shelby for a bit first…”

Rachel’s eyes narrowed, “and _then_ I passed out,” Toni finished.

“She’s cool,” Rachel replied, “a bit quiet, keeps herself to herself, but she’s cool. I know Martha really digs her.”

Toni nodded, unsure if the warmth in the pit of her stomach was from running or something else entirely. “Yeah, she’s cool. First time I’ve properly spoken to her, probably didn’t leave the best first impression being pissed though.”

Rachel laughed, having known what it was like to be on the receiving end of drunk Toni. “Fuck, that can’t have been pretty. Didn’t offend her did you, she seems pretty prim and proper you know?”

“Nah, I did Martha proud, I was…”

 _“Nice,”_ both girls said in unison catching each other’s eye and chuckling. They rounded the court for the thirtieth lap.

“Seriously though, what did you talk about? Drunk Toni is even less coherent than sober Toni, and even she doesn’t really make much sense most of the time,” she jabbed at the brunette.

Toni sighed, “Um…” she paused.

“Oh fuck, this can’t be good.”

“Honestly?” A coy smile tugging at Toni’s lips, unable to comprehend what she was about to say. “Burning gays at the stake.”

Rachel choked as she took a mouthful of water, she had picked the bottle up on the previous lap.

“Fuck sake Toni, why can’t you just be fucking normal and talk normal people shit. What the fuck man. Now I wanna burn _you_ at the stake. Fuck. Shelby sure as shit isn’t speaking to you again.”

“People shouldn’t leave me alone and unattended!” Toni pleaded, “I don’t know how the fuck to start a normal conversation.”

“Well let me help you, next time, _don’t_ start with burning gays at the stake and start with the easy shit, like the weather or something,” and with that Rachel picked up her pace and left the brunette behind.

Toni knew she needed to catch up with the blonde today, but she wasn’t exactly sure where or how that was going to happen. Nothing about the semi drunken experience with Shelby made any sense. Although they had spoken for a good chunk of time, she still felt as if she barely knew her, if anything she probably knew her even less than before.

As Toni continued to tick the laps off keeping a steady pace, her mind wandered to the night before.

* * *

Martha pulled up to the curb and put the handbrake on before turning herself to look at Toni.

“Just - ” Martha started.

“Just don’t fuck this up,” Toni interrupted, “Yep, loud and clear boss,” she said, saluting Martha before opening the passenger door.

Martha frowned and pushed hard on her horn. Toni jumped at the noise and let go of the handle. The semi-open door slammed shut and made Toni jump for a second time.

“Are you trying to give me a fucking coronary!” she yelled at Martha clutching at her chest far too dramatically, breathing heavily before carrying on, “Jesus fucking Christ Marty. Don’t do that.”

Martha just laughed, “well if you ever just let me finish a sentence, I wouldn’t need to do _shit like that_ would I?” She paused, “What I was going to say was, just be nice.”

Toni frowned. “I’m always nice.” She feigned an angel face, beaming, cupping both hands under her chin, with her eyes closed.

Martha snorted. “Try again.”

The corners of Toni’s lips curled slightly. “Fiiiiiine,” she groaned throwing her head back, “I’m sometimes nice.”

“Swap ‘sometimes’ with ‘sporadically’ and you might be half way there,” Martha joked.

Toni screwed her face incredulously before mocking in a child-like voice, “tell me you’re an English student without telling me you’re an English student.”

Martha punched her arm. “Just be nice, to, you know, everyone. I’m not here to pull you out of trouble this time, or to stand on your foot when you’re making an ass-hat comment.”

Toni ignored her, “I’m more concerned about my current heart condition and potential broken arm,” she grumbled, rubbing the spot where Martha had just hit her.

“I barely touched you, grow a pair,” Martha chuckled.

“I’ll be on my best behaviour I promise. Are you sure you can’t stay for an hour or something?” Toni pleaded.

Parties were always so much more fun when her best friend was present. It wasn’t so much that the atmosphere changed, or that everyone suddenly partied harder, it was more that Toni felt calmer knowing that someone there had her back if something were to happen. Although everyone at the party had known Toni since the beginning of college and had welcomed her to their friend group with open arms, when Martha was present, she just felt like she belonged that little bit more.

“You know I’d love to stay but I can’t, I don’t want to be re-taking this test next semester,” Martha reasoned, “I just need to revise and get an early night.” She saw the disappointment in Toni’s eyes. “I’m sorry Toni.”

Toni looked up smiling, “Don’t be stupid, nothing to be sorry for. Smash that revision,” she winked at Martha, “oh, and best behaviour, won’t let you down,” she added as an afterthought. And with that Toni hopped out of the car, slammed the door and headed towards the open front door.

Immediately Martha wound down the window shouting after Toni, “And if you see Shelby…”

Toni stopped at the door and turned towards Martha yelling, “Yes, just be nice! Got it!” She reached down to the ice box full of beers which was propping the front door open. Screw cap? Nice touch, Toni thought before taking a swig.

“Just be you!” Martha shouted, pulling Toni back to reality.

What was that supposed to mean, Toni thought to herself. But instead of dwelling on it for too long, she simply rolled her eyes and blew Martha an overexaggerated kiss before taking another sip of beer.

“But not _too_ you! Be the _you_ after I’ve kicked you under the table a few times!” Martha finished.

“Done?” Toni yelled back, laughing.

“Actually…” Martha took a deep breath ready to go again but Toni interrupted.

“Oh, you’re done,” she retaliated, before loudly thanking Martha for the lift and making her way into the house.

Although the party had only officially begun an hour ago, the majority of the people there were already hammered. Toni stumbled through the crowded hallway intent on getting herself another beer from the kitchen. On her way through she waved and smiled at the people she recognised, and even a few people that she didn’t. Martha would be so proud, Toni laughed to herself. _Personal growth_ or some similar words would have left Martha’s mouth she was sure of it.

“Yes my G!” a familiar voice hollered from across the kitchen. “You made it! Where’s Martha?” she yelled in Toni’s ear as she pulled her in for a hug and slapped a sloppy kiss on the girl’s temple. The music was so loud that Toni could barely hear her.

“Revision!” Toni shouted back pulling out of the hug hoping that Fatin had heard.

Fatin swayed as she attempted a double thumbs up. This told Toni two things: the first was that Fatin _had_ heard her loud and clear and the second was that the dark-haired beauty student was smashed out of her skull. Toni chuckled and shook her head. She grabbed two beers from the ice bucket in the sink with her left hand and steadied Fatin with her right, before guiding her towards the back door and out into the cool fall air. As much as Toni loved parties, she also loved to be able to hear herself think and actually enjoy the company and conversation of her friends. She hoped that the garden might be slightly less crowded and a little tamer, even if only for a few minutes or so.

Toni settled herself down on a camping chair in between Leah and Fatin.

“Yes, get in, you made it!” Leah almost squealed. “A beer for each hand?” she noticed, “nice touch.”

“When does Shalifoe ever miss the chance of a party?” Fatin slurred wiggling her eyebrows suggestively, “parties mean one thing and one thing only.”

Leah turned to face Fatin, almost leaning across Toni, scowling, “And what is that supposed to mean?”

Fatin completely ignored Leah, giggled and then nudged Toni with her elbow, “Shhhh, don’t tell Leah but parties are pussy magnets,” she brought a finger up to Toni’s face and pressed it a little too hard into her lips, “I think Leah is trying to get laid-”

Toni cut straight across Fatin’s last word knowing that Leah was moments from launching herself at the girl. The sexual tension between them was ludicrous and incredibly obvious to anyone that knew them.

“And I think it’s time we got you some water.” Toni pulled on Fatin’s arm dragging her to her feet, shooting Leah an apologetic look. However, the shorter girl’s demeanour had immediately softened, suddenly hyper aware of how drunk Fatin _actually_ was and how little she would remember of it the following morning.

Leah simply shrugged at Toni, mumbled ‘Whatever,’ and then headed over to Dot and Rachel who were smoking at the bottom of the garden.

Fatin half laughed and half snorted, “Was it something I said?”

Toni rolled her eyes as she helped the stumbling girl up the garden path, “It’s always something you said.”

Once back in the house and Toni was satisfied that Fatin had downed at least half a pint of water, she began to push her way through the cluster of people, picking up another beer as she went. She wasn’t sure who she was looking for, or if she was looking for anyone in particular, but without Martha at her side, the whole experience felt a little pointless. Martha was always the one who was good at mingling and got Toni involved in the conversations, she never initiated them herself. She didn’t know how to, or, if she was more honest with herself, she usually didn’t really want to. With that being said, she was always incredibly thankful that despite her difficult past, she was always welcomed to get togethers and parties with open arms, no questions asked.

An hour or so had passed of awkward mingling and exchanging pointless conversations with people she barely even knew. Toni checked her watch, laying down her empty bottle. She had definitely been there long enough to slip out unnoticed. And what was even better was that if Toni slowly meandered the thirty-minute walk home, to Martha it would look like she had stayed at the party even longer than she had originally planned. Toni headed up the stairs in search of the bathroom, an empty bladder always made for a peaceful walk home.

At the top of the stairs Toni paused. Which door was the bathroom again? She had been to Leah’s before but not for a while, and being four beers deep, the hallway landing suddenly seemed much longer than normal and appeared to have a few more doors than she remembered. Toni closed her eyes and wracked her brains. Suddenly she felt herself being flattened against the wall as a tall boy pushed past her on his way back down the stairs, wiping his damp hands on his shirt.

“Watch it asshole.” But the tall boy hadn’t even hear.

Shit, Toni thought, had she not had her eyes closed, she might have noticed what door he had just emerged from. After standing still for another thirty seconds, Toni decided that she may as well just try every door. One of them was bound to be the right one.

The first door she tried was locked. Toni could only assume that the door led to Leah’s room and that she had locked it so that it didn’t get trashed during the party. Brilliant idea Toni thought, screwing her eyes up trying to make a mental note that she might actually remember for once. Last time her and Martha had held a party at their place, Fatin had nearly set Toni’s bed on fire by lighting a candle and then proceeding to knock it straight over. Fatin had claimed, _she was setting the mood_ , although no one else seemed to be in the room with her at the time. Drunk Fatin was a mystery to everyone.

Toni tried the handle on the next door along, the door definitely wasn’t locked but it was certainly stiff. The girl pushed her body weight into the door ever so slightly and it started to budge. Toni quickly realised that the handle wasn’t stiff but the door was pushing against a thick plush carpet. She immediately knew that she wasn’t in the bathroom but rather the guest bedroom. It didn’t stop her though, she continued pushing against the resistance of the carpet until the door was half open, just wide enough for Toni to slip inside and to have a nose around the room.

However, upon stepping through the door she realised she wasn’t alone in the room. Stood staring out the window was a tall figure, long strands of hair gently floating in the breeze that was pouring in through the propped open glass. Feeling as if she had disturbed a moment of peace, Toni turned straight back to the door with the intention of leaving before she had been noticed, but it was too late for that.

“Hey,” a soft voice broke through the near silence.

Toni screwed her eyes up, one hand on the door handle. She wanted to leave, why had her curiosity got the better of her? Cursing herself mentally, Toni turned around and suddenly recognised the silhouette illuminated by the moonlight. 

“Hi Shelby,” Toni mumbled feeling slightly awkward. She wasn’t sure why, but she felt like she had invaded a private and personal moment. “Sorry, I was looking for the bathroom,” Toni explained although she was well aware nobody had asked.

Shelby chuckled, “Next door along. I don’t think anyone will appreciate you – you know – in here.”

Toni’s cheeks flared scarlet. “Fuck no, I wasn’t in here for that,” she paused nervously as she finally admitted, “I was just being nosey. That’s all.”

Silence met Toni’s words as she wished the ground would swallow her up. Small talk was definitely not Toni’s strong point, especially with a girl who had spent the best part of a month trying to avoid making verbal communication with her. _Be nice. Be nice._ The thought filled Toni’s head. She couldn’t let Martha down and yet as hard as Toni wracked her alcohol ridden brain, she was coming up empty with any sort of conversation starter.

A few silent moments passed before Toni decided it was probably best to just leave in the same way that she had come in. But as her hand stretched towards the handle for the second time, Shelby spoke again.

“It’s a beautiful night.”

Toni’s hand fell into her pocket and she turned herself back around to face where the blonde was stood. Shelby still hadn’t turned around and yet the subtle sadness in her words had caught Toni’s attention.

“Yeah. Stars and shit,” Toni replied, throwing her head backwards and screwing her eyes up. _Fuck, Shalifoe, what sort of a shit response was that._

Luckily Shelby chuckled before turning her head towards the direction of Toni and repeating her words, “Yeah. Stars and shit.”

Toni was a little taken aback by the word ‘shit’ leaving Shelby’s mouth. Although she knew very little about the blonde, the few things she did know left the feeling that curse words were probably not frequently used in Shelby’s Sunday church group.

Toni felt the four beers swirling through her head at one hundred miles an hour, and so decided to sit herself down on the edge of the guest bed, before she fell down.

“One too many?” Shelby spoke again, pulling the window to and making her way over to the bed.

She sat herself down next to Toni fiddling with something around her neck. Toni couldn’t see exactly what it was, but not wanting to turn around and make her drunk state any worse, she settled for looking at the blonde in the mirror in front of them. And when the moonlight hit just the right angle, a glint of silver shined in her eyes. It was at that moment she realised that what Shelby was fiddling with was a cross necklace hanging loosely around her neck. 

“Always one too many, maybe two too many tonight,” Toni joked back leaning back and lying herself on the bed and closing her eyes, letting the world spin behind her eyelids.

“I can’t say that that is a familiar feeling for myself, but I sympathise for you at the very least,” Shelby replied not moving.

Toni opened one eye and squinted in the darkness. Shelby was still fiddling with the necklace. Now, Toni wasn’t a genius and didn’t know the girl from Adam but even she could sense something wasn’t quite right.

“Everything okay?” she asked, closing her eyes again, a sick feeling swirling around her stomach.

Shelby replied quickly, almost too quickly, if Toni hadn’t been too drunk to notice. “Why of course everything is okay,” she chimed in response plastering a pageant grin on her lips.

Bullshit, but it wasn’t Toni’s place to pry, or anyone’s for that matter. And yet, she couldn’t help herself.

“You’re hiding in the guest bedroom at a party of one of your closest friends stone cold sober,” Toni replied, only guessing at the last part, “that doesn’t scream okay to me.”

For a brief second Shelby thought of lying and keeping the happy façade going for a bit longer, but if she was honest, she just didn’t have the energy anymore, and in that very moment, it felt much more comfortable to just lie back on the bed next to an almost stranger and to not say anything at all.

Silence consumed the pair as time ticked on. Toni had felt the weight of Shelby sink next to her on the bed, but was still oblivious to Shelby’s non-existent response. The spinning feeling in her head had been replaced with a dazed tiredness. She began to drift off when a distant mumbling pulled her to her senses.

“Would you like a lift home? Something tells me you could do with your own bed to sleep in,” Shelby asked with a smile, rolling onto her side to be met with Toni’s closed eyes.

Although Toni barely knew the blonde, she already liked how considerate she was.

“Nah. Foster kid through and through, used to roughing it.” Toni kept her eyes shut as a smile crept across her lips. This was the most at peace she had felt in a long time.

“I’m sorry,” Shelby replied not taking her eyes off of Toni’s eyelids, “that must have been…”

“Shit. Yeah,” Toni finished the sentence for her. The rumble of the fast beat music vibrated through the floor and bed frame. “It made me who I am though, I wouldn’t change that for anything.”

Shelby’s lips curled at the comment. “You might not change that but other people might…” the blonde teased, “I’ve heard the stories,” Shelby finished.

Toni rolled her eyes behind her lids. “Only the good ones I hope,” she laughed in reply, “but you shouldn’t believe everything you hear.”

“Well that I can agree with.” Shelby’s southern drawl sounded much lighter than it had when Toni had first entered the room, “God is the only one who see’s and knows all.”

Toni snorted and peeled her eyes open meeting Shelby’s, their faces inches from each other. “God would be washing his eyes out with soap and bleach if he has _really_ seen and heard some of the things I’ve done.”

Shelby blushed but luckily the darkness of the room made it only noticeable to herself through the warmth rising up her cheeks. Toni acknowledged the silence.

“Hm, speechless, that’s a first. Martha tells me it’s usually hard to get you to shut up.”

Shelby’s already flushed cheeks burned harder. “God made me in his vision, so if I am talkative, then that is the way the Almighty intended me to be.”

“Amen. Me fucking too.” Toni replied closing her eyes again.

Shelby frowned, unsure of what the girl next to her actually meant. Was she agreeing that Shelby was talkative, because if so, that was quite rude as Toni hardly knew her? Or had she actually meant that she agreed with that God had made her in his vision? For some reason, the blonde was curious.

“I don’t follow,” she half enquired, half stated.

“I was also made in God’s vision,” Toni replied slurring her words slightly.

“You were? I didn’t know you were religious – Martha never…” but Shelby was cut off by Toni’s response.

“I mean, don’t get me wrong, I don’t believe in God, but if I did, I believe that whatever path a person ends up on, it was exactly what God wanted and intended for them,” she exclaimed hiccupping half way through. She wasn’t sure that the blonde was following her drift. “Like, everything happens for a reason, and you might believe that reason is because it’s what God intended, even the bad stuff like murder.”

“I think the ten commandments clearly state ‘thou shall not kill’”, Shelby laughed, amused by the drunkenness of the girl.

“No,” Toni all but whispered, “You’re not getting it blondie. Everything happens for a reason, and _you_ think that that reason is God. But God is all loving, so why would he ever create anything bad or destructive… like a murderer”

“Wow,” Shelby replied, stunned wondering if Toni was always like this when drunk. “This got real deep real quick,” she continued, “but that doesn’t explain what you meant by you were made in God’s vision?”

Toni peeled her eyes open for the second time, knowing that she should start to make her way home if she wanted to get there at a semi reasonable hour. She pulled herself to sitting but the movement left her nauseous and she retreated to falling flat out on the bed again.

“Are you going to elaborate?” Shelby asked again, somewhat amused, unsure if the brunette had actually heard her the first time.

“Martha was right, you _are_ hard to shut up,” Toni chortled.

She rolled back over to face the blonde who hadn’t moved an inch, except for finally letting go of her necklace, tucking both hands under her chin.

“Liking girls,” Toni finally clarified, “some people would say that if a person believes in God, but also believes it _isn’t_ sinful to like someone of the same sex, then for those two ideals to be mutually exclusive, then surely God made people like me on purpose, not to be - you know -” Toni paused, “to be burned at the stake or some shit.”

Shelby took in the brunette’s words wondering how she could be so thoughtful and coherent under such a strong influence of alcohol.

“Hm, that _is_ quite profound” Shelby assessed, “But we haven’t burnt anyone at the stake in our Sunday Church Social for weeks,” she added, “that’s _so_ last season,” the blonde laughed, the brunette quickly joining in too.

“But it’s getting cold,” Toni managed to say in between fits of giggles, “wouldn’t burning the gays keep your frozen ass hearts toasty for the winter,” and with that last comment the two girls both completely lost it, doubled over in the foetal position consumed by laughter.

Shelby was nothing like she had expected her to be at all. The little she knew from Martha was that she was deeply religious, aced all of her classes with the highest grades and had a top dollar family. Her sense of humour and comforting demeanour had never been mentioned at all, but then again, why would it, Toni thought.

The girl’s laughter ebbed away and was once again replaced with the steady pounding of the music below. Toni yawned not realising that the blonde’s eyes had been locked to hers the entire time. She felt a lot less drunk than before so she knew a good chunk of time had passed.

“I better head off,” Toni said, not waiting for a reply.

If she left now, she still had a small chance of getting a half decent sleep before class in the morning. Toni inhaled a large gulp of air and then pulled herself upright, her head spinning slightly as she did so. She turned to look at the blonde still lying on the bed who hadn’t spoken since joking about burning the gays. Toni tried to read her expression but it was impossible due to the darkness of the room. She wanted to say something to break the somewhat increasing tension but kept drawing blanks.

Toni finally settled on, “Um, this was nice… see you around.” She pressed her hands down into the mattress to push herself to standing but felt the warmth of fingertips gently clutch at one of her wrists, tugging the brunette back down onto the bed. Toni stilled and let herself sink into the mattress unsure of what was happening, her head still spinning slightly. She closed her eyes to help ease the sensation but within seconds she felt a brand new one, however this time not in her head, but on her lips.

Shelby captured Toni’s lips in her own for a few seconds before slowly pulling away, resting her forehead against Toni’s. Toni opened her eyes and tried to control her breathing; her lips still parted. Her eyes met the blondes and they stayed like that for a minute or so.

Whatever is going on, this is some deep shit, Toni thought to herself, although too compelled by the blonde’s vanilla sweet scent to pull herself away. Shelby leaned in and kissed her again, this time with slightly more force and Toni was ready to kiss her back.

The position they were lying in was slightly awkward. Toni managed to push herself up onto one elbow allowing her to half lean over the blonde, all the while not breaking the kiss at all. She could feel the fast and heavy rise and fall of the blonde’s chest against her own. It felt familiar and comforting although nothing like this had ever happened to Toni before.

She felt a soft hand gently stroke her face as the blonde deepened the kiss, tenderly pushing her tongue past Toni’s lips. Toni was too caught up in the sensation of soft lips against her own chapped pair to even try to begin to think straight. All she knew for sure was that she definitely wasn’t drunk anymore.

After ten minutes of intense kissing Shelby pulled herself from Toni, flipped herself onto her side and shuffled her body back until it was flush with the brunette’s front. Fuelled by pure instinct Toni wrapped an arm around the blonde’s petite frame and tugged her a little closer. She had so many questions but she also didn’t want to ruin the moment. _Be nice_ , flashed through Toni’s head again and she smiled into Shelby’s hair. _Nice_ , was something she definitely _had_ been and she wasn’t about to fuck it up by saying something stupid.

The two girls were so caught up in whatever had just happened that neither had noticed that the music had stopped. Toni closed her eyes feeling incredibly content. For a brief moment she considered leaving and walking home, but she quickly realised it would be better to just pass out here and get some sleep, rather than trying to get an uber home at whatever ungodly hour it was and potentially get no sleep at all.

Shelby mumbled something but Toni had already drifted off into a blissful state of calm.

Halfway through the night Toni began to stir, the feeling of ‘beer fear’ beginning to sink in, but when she felt the warm weight of Shelby still pressed into her, the feeling immediately ebbed away. Without opening her eyes, she smiled peacefully and allowed her mind to wander before she drifted back off again.

The sunshine beaming through the window was the next thing Toni remembered, as well as the growing pain in her head disturbing her slumber. The dry sensation in her mouth made her run her tongue around her teeth and gums fully aware that she would be spitting sand if she didn’t have a drink soon. It took Toni a few moments before she fully pulled around realising that something in the pit of the girl’s stomach felt different.

She felt a lot cooler than she had done in the night. Forcing her eyes open Toni blinked against the blaring sunlight and quickly realised that Shelby was gone.

Fuck.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Updates will usually be weekly, however if I manage to get the chapters finished quicker then by all means I will upload them sooner.
> 
> How are you finding it so far? 
> 
> Thank-you all for reading and for the feedback!

**Author's Note:**

> I am more than definitely a little rusty as it has been a very long time since I've been in the writing game, but I am really enjoying the process of starting again, so I'm going to stick with it for a bit!
> 
> It would be great if you guys could give me some feedback and let me know what you think.
> 
> Thank-you for reading!


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